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‘Kiss’ by Prince released in 1986 is the epitome of someone at the top of their game: vibrant, sexy and funky, this cat’s got it. Appropriating parts of Marvin Gaye’s Got to give it up’ and the guitar strum from James Brown’s ‘Papa’s got a brand new bag’ it still astounds to this day. Simple, spartan and seductive.

*Prince Rogers Nelson forbids the use of his art on the platform known as Youtube*

In 1988 Tom Jones (like most of his contemporaries) was a fogey, a relic, past-it, irrelevant, the stars of yesteryear yet to be reaccepted back by the cognoscenti and recused from the wilderness. Post-modern avant-garde-collagists The Art of Noise had already venerated Duane Eddy with a revamped ‘Peter Gunn’ and PSB had released the superlative ‘What have I done to deserve this’ with Dusty Springfield, the 60s were back … to stay.

Th’ Noise once had arch-critic Paul Morley and Buggles man Trevor Horn in their ranks, but for this one-off abomination it was mainly Anne Dudley. The result seems like a critical assessment of pop’s state: devoid, depopped and defunked: a deesgrace that outsold the original. Never underestimate the stupidity of …

Coming across like a malfunctioning borg from Westworld, Tom’s swaying and swooing is reminiscent of Prince Charles being forced to attend a Supertramp show with Lady Dead. ‘One is not arsed, baby machine’.

When Tom croaks ‘Think we’d better dance now’ this is the sound of a corpse shitting its last, proving that this white man can’t funk. Prince was heard to mutter ‘Tom, you is sure one unsexy mutha-fucker’ thus inspiring his 1993 hit, ‘Quit it, Jonesy’.

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